Cheap Shots: Commentary on the News

Santa’s Letter from Hambone
“Here is another letter Santa,” said the chief elf, “and you have to hurry up, there is only a week left until Christmas and we have tons of bags of mail not even read yet.”
“Who is this letter from,” asked Santa.
“It’s another letter from Tommy McKay,” said the chief elf with a scow, “it is his 10th letter this year.”
“He is really getting more demanding every year,” said Santa, “what does he want now?”
“He wants to be Senator,” answered the chief elf.
“He thinks I can make him a Senator? First it was a Corvette, then it was a girlfriend, then it was a Mercedes for his girlfriend, then it was another girlfriend who didn’t know about the first girlfriend and then another Mercedes, and it wasn’t much better when he was a kid with letters for dirt bikes, ATV’s, jet skis, boats, it never ends and only gets more expensive.”
“Well, what should I do with this letter, Santa?” asked the chief elf.
“Well at least he doesn’t want a chain of grocery stores this year, like before, he got that one from his daddy,” said Santa. “Look, the Republicans have more money and spend more money than I ever could do, why doesn’t old Hambone ask them to make him Senator, why does he come to me with this request?”
“Well, Santa, Hambone…er…Tommy…doesn’t like to work, he likes to ask his daddy and ask you for things he wants, he always has and its always worked for him, just to smile that big grin, look angelic and just ask.”
“Well doesn’t he know that I have my hands full trying to take care of kids along the Gulf Coast who lost everything this year, trying to aid families in Southeast Asia and Pakistan, but he still takes up my time with ten letters?” said Santa.
“Tommy asks and he expects a positive result,” said the chief elf. “He says here in the letter that he has been a good boy and eats his oatmeal every day but he has to put up with four dummies on the commissioners board who are all as dumb as oysters, he has to put up with that Rag newspaper always lampooning him with cartoons and bad photos and his new hairpiece is falling apart,” said the chief elf.
“Right here, he writes ‘Dear Santa, I have always wanted to be a senator since I was a little boy. I have always put on a suit and tie every day and I learned how to play golf. I practiced hanging out in taverns and became very good at accepting money from builders, developers and large corporate interests. I have become friends with all the rich and powerful Republicans in St. Mary’s, in Annapolis and in Washington, where one day I hope I will live in the White House. I thought about asking you to make me Congressman for Christmas but that big lunk Hoyer won’t quit even though there was talk about him running for Governor. Therefore, I have to ask you to wave your magic wand and make me senator as I fear that if I have to run in the election, I won’t make it.’”
“Tell me, chief elf, do we get any letters from other adults,” asked Santa.
“Sure, boss, we get them all the time, about one a day, out of thousands of letters from kids, there are always some adults who still want you to bring them things. There is this Saddam guy in Baghdad who wants a new country to run, John Kerry is always asking for a recount, Al Gore writes in and asks for Florida to be made part of Cuba and then hold the election over again. Some of these politicians think you can do anything.”
“I guess when they get too much as kids it spoils them for life,” said Santa. “Well I have had enough out of Tommy, he needs to know that if he can’t win the election on his own it is not my place to hand it to him under the Christmas tree.”
“Does that mean we have to invoke closure?” asked the chief elf.
“Yes, it’s sad because if there are children in that house where Tommy lives, it means they will get left out, but Tommy needs to know that there are people in this world who really need my help and asking for lavish and unrealistic gifts only saps my time and energy. Send the crew down today to give him closure,” said Santa.
“Okay you elves, you heard Santa, load the sleigh with the closure crew and go down there to Woodpecker Lane and seal up Tommy’s chimney, its time for him to grow up and earn what he wants instead of expecting Santa Claus to bring it to him,” said the chief elf.
“What’s the next letter say?” asked Santa.
“Oh, its from that Bill Clinton again and he says its lonely with Hillary in DC and all, can he have….”
“Stop right there,” said Santa, “just toss it and move on to the next letter.”